Thanksgiving Ettiquette for the New Negro

So it's Thanksgiving eve.....

And I'm done my share of cooking, in anticipation of people bringing their appetites and criticisms of how things have been executed so here are some rules to help you make it thru the day without me cutting you...

1) If you have a food allergy, bring your own damn food or you can stay home. I'm making my food the way I like it, and if you like it, cool, if you have some medical reason why you can't eat it, let me know 4-6 weeks in advance so I can figure out how to make it, and you not suing me for your medical bill.

2) Fix your own plate. There is a reason why everything is laid out buffet style, so you can serve your own lazy ass and work off some of the fat, that is by default, in this meal I have cooked. The only reason you should ask for someone to fix your plate is 1) you are past 65, and you have earned that right by living this long 2) You are under the age of 6 and will make a huge damn mess or 3) you are missing a limb

3) If you are Muslim, don't ask me to keep pork out of the Greens. Collard Greens need Pork, end of story. Reference Allergies rules (i.e keep your ass home) or visit a Jewish Household for Thanksgiving

4)If you are under the age of 18, you are designated to the childrens table in the family room, garage or basement. And you need to stay there. Stay out of Grown folks business and get to know your cousins, cause the grown folks will be dead in 20-25 years and y'all are gonna wana be just as "close" as the grown folks are now, start working on it

5)Thanksgiving Prayer is 90 seconds we really don't need to go around the table and ask what everyone is thankful for. Be thankful for the damn free meal and eat already

6)Eat things you know you like, and if you don't like them, avoid them. It's insulting to the cook to take one bite and leave it on your plate, and go back for more of what you like. You made your bad selection? stick with it. after all it's a free meal

7)One plate per person for take home. That means all courses and dessert that exit the household must fit on one plate. You do not exit with a side dish, meat dish, appetizer and dessert plate you greedy ass Mofo. Don't take advantage of the fact that your meal was free.

8) Have plans for later in the evening. whomever is hosting you had a long day of preparation. There are enough venues open this year of 2006 that you can go to the Movies, the Car Show, Ice Skating or go pick up your Christmas Tree. Don't impose on your host to entertain you all night, even if you are staying the whole holiday weekend. You know other people, I know you do.

9)When you are out and about, and conversing with human beings in the Service Industry that are working today, even the cop that pulls your drunkass over, say "Happy Thanksgiving." They are working today to make sure you have Gas, a Big Mac or access to Happy Feet and Borat for you and your kids. They gave up spending a day with their families, or alone masturbating and smoking weed to serve your lazy ass. The are getting double overtime, but when the Minimum wage is under $6, is it really worth it? It only comes around for them 3 days a year.

10) No Drama, otherwise, no divorce announcements, no coming out to conservative parents, no news of unwanted pregnancies/abortions, family scandals, no charged political debates. Just relax and save the daily drama for a normal day and enjoy the food and alcohol. Or Just hump your Brother in Law in the downstairs coat closet like a good skank. if there are 25 people in attendance no one will notice.